Someone asked me recently “What's been healing you lately?” & it took me a second to come up with an answer. Many people know i’m on a journey this year. When my mom passed away it all of a sudden became a journey of discovery. What life is like without her. What decisions I make from here on in aren't guided by her wealth of knowledge.

I can't believe it has been a whole year since I made one of the best decisions of my life. In August of last year while Armand was away on a trip I walked into my gynecologist's office and got an IUD inserted. If you've been here for a while you know I didn't take that decision lightly. It took me three years to get to that appointment after listening to many horror stories and having other forms of birth control fail my body.

I’ve been kinda loving life lately. Usually, the summer season doesn't bring about much joy but this year it's different. All the anniversaries and firsts without my mom all take place in the winter, spring & fall. This is truly the only pocket of time where nothing is making me cry. Do I have my moments? Absolutely. In fact, there was a night already this week when Armand had to just stand there and hug me.

You noticed it. I’m sure you did. The name change. The blog changed. EVERYTHING changes. I’ve wanted to change my name for two years. For two years I debated it. Ask Armand he will tell you. I have long been free of the word “magic” and for a while there sure I took the girl loves magic to mean loving anything whimsical and free. It didn't feel right. It didn't feel like me.

Have I mentioned to you guys the tug of war in my heart every few months? The one where I fight the urge to get on a plane with a one-way ticket anywhere but NYC. How this city has slowly taken from me for 37 years and most days I'm over it? No? I haven't! Dang. Well…

Ok. I’m ready for the noise to come back. I've had four days to myself and I'm ready for the silence to end for a bit. Every so often either I go on a trip or Armand will and we allow ourselves time away. Honestly, if I wasn't so tired I maybe would have gone to L.A. too but seeing everything he did in just four days I would have been no good to him lol. I was happy cleaning and rotting on the couch.

You’d think it would be easy for a Capricorn like me who lives in her planner and her phone calendar to be focused and willing to get things done. I gotta tell you that lately it's been a chore. Everything has felt like a chore. It's to the point where I don't feel like doing it because it's felt like a chore. Nothing feels fun. Nothing feels exciting. There's no focus on the things I should be focused on.

I don’t feel good. Back in 2020, my health was on the line and I made the changes needed to get better. I got better. For the next couple of years, things were fine. My weight ebbed & flowed as it does in life. Last year I noticed I was gaining my weight back faster than I was used to.

Not gonna lie. Not looking forward to this weekend. I'm not looking forward to seeing the long lines to buy Mom's flowers, all the chocolates being sold at CVS, all the cute cards that are being sold, or even handwritten. None of it is anything I want to deal with. I wanted to run but realized I couldn't. So here I am distracting myself knowing full well I'll end up feeling it through.

I've been in my masculine energy for so long I think I almost forgot what it was to be soft. I've been hiding, defensive, angry & leading too much. I plan too much. I want too much control. It's always my way.

In this new chapter i’m looking to music a lot to help heal. i’m well aware its a bandaid and not the end all be all. still i’m so eager to dive into it and feel through whatever it is i’m feeling. I could use the healing.

Today I decided that I wanted to do something special for Mom’s heavenly birthday. On the coldest and Windiest day of the week, Armand and I took a bit of Mom from her urn And decided to let her dance on her birthday in the ocean. It was so windy and it was so cold but worth every moment.

The year of firsts continues today as family & friends celebrate my mom’s first heavenly birthday. She would have been 69 years young today. I imagine Armand & I would have given her a gift card so she could buy what she wanted. She loved it when we did that. Grandpa would wanna take her out to eat. She would get texts and calls all day long from so many who loved her.

So here's the truth.

My mother’s birthday is on Saturday.

It'll be the first one since her passing. In a year of 1sts, this one day is going to hit me harder than anything in my life.

I welcomed the opportunity to honor my mom in my way. While it may not be a way she would love. She would understand and accept. That was always her way of thinking as I got older and tattoos would show up on my body. She called me a walking piece of art a lot. She always joked it would be easy to identify me if needed. She didn't judge. She always poured love into me.