Smiling Through.

Not gonna lie. Not looking forward to this weekend. I'm not looking forward to seeing the long lines to buy Mom's flowers, all the chocolates being sold at CVS, all the cute cards that are being sold, or even handwritten. None of it is anything I want to deal with. I wanted to run but realized I couldn't. So here I am distracting myself knowing full well I'll end up feeling it through.

Mothers Day.

It's on Sunday. I'm unwilling to celebrate that day. Not yet. Maybe in a few years but now. Year One. No. I'll post something of course but I'm pretty sure I'll turn my phone off that day and no one will hear from me. It feels so final to me. It hits me more than even a birthday could. While my mom is no longer here in physical form she's in my heart but I'm selfish in that I don't want to see others enjoying time I can no longer have. The happy faces of people who still have that physical connection to their mothers. I cannot do it.

So maybe a beach day?

No clue. I find myself growing increasingly anxious about the whole thing. Let's see what happens. I'll smile through for now.