This Smile is Masking Something.

So here's the truth.

My mother’s birthday is on Saturday.

It'll be the first one since her passing. In a year of 1sts, this one day is going to hit me harder than anything in my life.

This week I've found myself on a never-ending roller coaster. I've been irritated, and frustrated & have had several manic episodes. My anxiety is creeping up and all of this is cultivating into a breakdown that will surely come on Saturday. I've spent much of the week so far trying to prevent it.

A very good friend of mine just told me to embrace it. To feel it all and feel it in a way that'll help me in the end. I've been avoiding this day and this month. I know it's coming. The logical thing to do is celebrate her life. Do something she loves and I will. I can't bring myself to be around many people this week. In a way, I'm trying to shield them from what they will see. I am a very broken person.

I don't feel whole. I don't feel like myself. All the progress I've made feels like it left me so quickly. I’m just trying to survive. On top of that my immune system once again failed me and I caught my 3rd cold of the year. It's not even May.

All of this is to say that I've been masking a lot this week. While I owe no one an explanation of my choices I do feel like understanding is in order. I am not myself. I won't be this week or next. I've had to reset and start over this week. I have a beautiful support system and I'll get there.

This is not easy. But I at least take the mask off. Because for me to feel all of this through I've got to stop hiding and embrace the pain that's coming.

Love You,

Ally xox

#feelingit #feelitall #mentalhealth