One Year Without You.

One Year. It’s easy for someone to say to me that you’ve been watching me this year, watching all the amazing memories I made in your honor. The fact is while that may be true to some - I wanted you here to experience it with me. 

Mom, I did so much. I saw so many shows. I went to so many places. I did so many things. You’d be so happy that I got to see so much. I always loved coming home and telling you all the stories about where I’d been. I tell you now in a different way. 

I miss your hugs. I miss your laugh & your kisses. I miss the look you gave me when I messed up in some way but then laughed because I was living the life you wanted for me. One that isn’t boring. You always told me you hated how life was getting for you. You were bored. So my stories always helped you live a little you would say. I was always happy to do it. 

You helped shape me into a different woman — That version of me died on December 26th, 2023. When I honored your wishes and let you go. I spent the year trying to figure out what this new version of me is. She’s not passive. She says no (a lot I may add). She says what she needs to know and goes to grief counseling now. This version of me is bare and not whole. She is timid and angry. The happiness is slowly returning but there is a cloud and it’s there forever. It’s above me like a reminder of what’s missing. 

Life is so much harder. I need my mother’s advice. I need my mother’s guidance. I was supposed to have that for a lot longer. I can’t question god as to why he needed you. I just know he saw how tired you were of this life, how you were retired and had so much you wanted to do and felt you couldn’t. So I like to think he took you so you could rest finally. Exactly how you wanted. When I kissed your forehead right before you passed away I said that to you. I said, “ Rest, Mommy”. 

 I made a promise to myself to not do that to myself, for you. You felt obligated in your choices. I feel no obligation to mine. You made me strong enough to handle that. Despite what anyone Family or Friend will say. What a blessing it was to be guided by your strength. 

I love you, Mom. I miss you so much. 

I still don’t know who this version of me is yet and there’s a fear I may never, but I am taking the steps slowly to be that girl before that December day.

I promise you Mommy I’ll get there.

xox